|Moved to Tumblr. Don't know why, exactly. Maybe I just needed a change of space.|
Wow, I wonder where that month went o_O.
I don't know why I haven't blogged in so long. I'm usually dying to get things off my chest, and I haven't exactly been talking to people about things either. I seem to have completely withdrawn in the last month. I haven't been talking to my sister or Alex or Lisa or anyone, really. And I don't particularly feel the urge to talk to anyone in particular, though I'm starting to miss them haha.
So, I'm giving up on the multi-lingual thing. Sure, I still want to learn various languages, but the order of priority keeps changing, so one day I'm dying to learn French and the next I want to learn Italian. Linguistics is sort of interesting but I don't know if I want to do it for a career. I'm suffering from baby withdrawal, so right now I'm really considering child development. But there doesn't seem to be too many research opportunities in child development, and I was feeling very restless toward the end of my stint at the children's center, so I don't know if I could be satisfied with it. Second language acquisition interests me, but for that I'd have to study linguistics or a specific language, and I don't know if I'm up for that. I think I'm over this tutoring thing though. I don't want to go into teaching, on any level, even at the infant level. I still don't know what I want, and I don't know if I'm going to figure it out any time soon.
Ugh, there's so much going on but my thoughts are so scattered. I'm going back to Gossip Girl.
So. I gots unlimited texting!! Mwahahahahaha. I'm setting up all my social networking stuff on my phone ^_^. Facebook is kinda being a bitch though, so I'm still working on that. But otherwise, this is really fun =D. I suppose I don't need mobile web... But I'd still like to check it out, so we'll see. Ugh, I really need a job now o_O.
I've been home for a week now. I think it's time I get out, haha. But the weather's just started to get hot, so I don't think I should be braving the sun, especially if I want to get lighter T_T.
I'm starting to have serious self-confidence doubts about continuing with piano, especially at ELAC instead of LACC. I feel like I can grow more at ELAC, but at the same time I'm scared because of that. But that's how I am in life, isn't it? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared to challenge myself because I'm scared I won't live up to expectations. But I've proven time and again that those fears are unfounded. I've managed to live up to and beyond those expectations, and yet I still manage to hold myself back. *sigh*
Okay, now that I have unlimited texting, I think I should spend the day reading or something, hahahaha. Or go to the library or something. I need to get out of the house. Oh yeah, I should go buy shampoo and stuff. I'll need to be back in time for Music Core though, but I don't really care for the new acts anymore....
"No matter what I do, he's not going to come back. I didn't just piss him off, I hurt his pride. And pride is one hell of a bitch. I know from experience, cuz there've been times when my pride was the only thing that got me through.
I glanced at the half-empty glass of of wine. Funny, but I've never been a glass half-empty nor a glass half-full kind of girl. Half was half; who cares if it's full or empty? But then, I've taken many things for granted.
Him, for one. I downed the rest of the wine and looked around the room. The other diners didn't seem to notice my date stormed out on me. Either that, or they just didn't care. I wouldn't have cared, if it hadn't happened to me. I would just have made a passing comment about it, then resumed whatever conversation I was having. Who cares, right? It's not like I know those people.
But back to him. I suppose a part of me was scared. Scared of being vulnerable, scared of being hurt. I didn't want to be hurt anymore. I shouldn't have agreed to this date; I just ruined someone else's evening. Never kid a kidder? I'm too proud for my own good. And too defensive. I don't do risks. I'd rather avoid pain than reap whatever bountiful benefits I might find on the other side."
Wow. I should type it next time, hahahah. It felt like I wrote a lot on paper, but typing it up was shorter than I thought =/. Anyway, it's a ten-minute exercise where you're given a prompt and some restrictions. I should try another one tomorrow =).
I need to get a haircut =/.
The love of my life has been reduced to a hobby....
We finished the dance final yesterday, and I was really surprised the professor had so many nice things to say about me. I got really nervous when she remembered my name about two weeks ago, and it just felt really awkward to have her say all those things about me to the class, especially when I work so hard to blend into the background =(. But for the first time since I've stopped dancing, I feel hopeful. Maybe there is a future for me in dance. It most definitely won't be professional, but I can still take class and learn and dance. I like the person I am when I take class and after I finish class, and that's saying a lot because I almost never like the person I am =(. But I can't let it take over my life again, because it's not going to be a career option. So I have to find a balance, something to hold me on this side when all I want to do is tip over...
There are free dance workshops in Chinatown on Saturdays this month =D. I'm going to take them =). There's also a martial arts workshop, but I'm not interested =P. I was planning to take some classes at EDGE between now and fall semester, but I guess I don't really have to worry too much =). I still haven't figured out my fall schedule, so I guess I should get to work on that o_O.
I had given up on my plan to run away, but I think I might have to reinstate it. It's not just my mother anymore. I feel so suffocated here. The insurance renewal notice sat on the living room table for almost a month, and even though my father knew about it he didn't bother to follow up on it, and when I asked he made it sound like it was my fault we're three days away from losing our insurance coverage. How is it fair to me that I've had to be the parent ever since I could speak coherent English? Is it too much for him to even pretend to be a father every now and then? It's trying having to stand in for my mother, but it's less grating because she doesn't know English, but my father knows enough English to deal with some of this, but of course he doesn't. He can't be inconvenienced to do anything at all. And I want to spend a week on my own. I only have a week, given the dance classes I want to take, and the fact that my mother needs to drive my brother back to school. So I have a week to plan my escape. Damn it, I don't have the funds to do it, but I need to figure it out, and soon.